Music Jokes

This is a collection of jokes found at several places.

Important notice: I LOVE DRUMMERS, GUITAR PLAYERS AND SINGERS!!!!

ELENOR RIGBY (IT version)

Elenor Rigby,
Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen,
lives in a dream.
Waits for a signal
Finding some code that will make the machine do some more
What is it for?
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

ANOTHER GLITCH IN THE CALL (Pink Floyd)

We dont need no indirection,
We dont need no flow control,
No data typing or declarations,
Did you leave the lists alone?
Hey! Hackers! Leave those lists alone!

All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call;
All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.

The bassoon is one of my favorite instruments. It has the medieval aroma -- like the days when everything used to sound like that. (FZ)

The emotion of every player is the most important thing, what stands behind this chord or tone. If you leave that out, the music does not touch you. (FZ)

The drummer's playing in 4/4, the Saxophone player is playing 5/4, the guitar player is picking his nose....

In the land of drummers the bass player is king.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the guitar player has to show him first.

Why did the bass player get mad at the drummer?
He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.

Why do bass players leave a set of bass strings on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicap zones.

What is the difference between a keyboard and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop a keyboard into little pieces.

How do you know if there is a bass player at the door?
The knocking gets lower.

Guy walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremolo?"
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Duh, yeah. How'd you know?"
"This is a travel agent."

What's the definition of a minor second?
A bass player and a guitar player playing an unison.

What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?
A flat major.

What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him (or her) over with a steam roller?
Be flat, major.

What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?
See flat major.

What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in?
C sharp or B flat..

What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?
A sharp major.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
1-5-1-5-1-5-1- ...

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change it, and four to argue that Neil Peart would have done it better...

A drummer standing still is probably dead ...
The tenth of a second that they do stand still is regarded as an off beat.

Drummers are the only people that tap in 5/7 out of boredom while playing a non existent high hat...

Drummers can be perplexed by a simple thing like which way to turn the door handle...
This is because they are trying to work out how Billy Cobham would do it...

How do you know when the lead singer is knocking on your door?
He never knows when to come in and he can't find the key..!

What's the difference between a snake crossing the road and a trombonist crossing the road?
The snake might be going to a gig

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless

How do you make a bass player laugh?
Tell them that the guitarist realized he was playing too much.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out-of-tune tenor sax player. Meeting the other two means you're hallucinating.

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.

How do you get two trumpet players to play in tune?
Shoot one of them!

How do you make your mom drive really fast?
Put your guitar in the middle of the road.

How many vocalists does it take to change a light bulb?
One! She stands on the ladder and the whole world revolves around her!

How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to climb the ladder and the rest to complain about how high it is.

How do you tune four oboes?
Shoot three of them.

What's the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a clarinet in the toilet and it doesn't hit the sides.

How do you tell a soprano from a pyrhana?
The jewelry.

How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Twenty, one to hold the bulb and nineteen to drink beer till the room spins.

What do you call a gnome who lives in the city?
A Metronome.

What has three legs and a butt on top?
A drum stool.

What's the definition of optimistic?
A trombone player who carries a mobile.

Why are violins smaller than violas?
They're not really, it's just that violinists' heads are bigger.

How can you tell if the stage is level?
The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

Definition of a gentleman:
A man who can play the bagpipes, but doesn't. -- Anonymous

Did you hear about the guitarist who locked his keys in his car?
He couldn't get the drummer out.

How is an electric guitar like a vacuum cleaner?
They both suck when you plug them in.

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.

How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
Cut the noose.

What's the difference between a lawnmower and a saxophone?
You can tune the lawnmower.

What's the difference between a trampoline and a drummer?
You take off your shoes to jump on the trampoline.

Why does a drummer have 10 points higher I.Q. than a horse?
So he doesn't poop in the middle of the parade!

How can you tell when there's a drummer at the door?
His knock slows down.

Musical Oxymorons: Snare Drum Music

Musical Oxymorons: Professional Drummer

Why do bands need Roadies?
To translate what the drummer says.

What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?
You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once!

How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.

A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says, "Very bad when the drumming stops."

At the end of the day, the drumming is still going on and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.

After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts, "What happens when the drumming stops?!"

"Bass solo."

Johnny to his mom: I want to be a drummer when I grow up!
Mom: But Johnny, you can't do both.

How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.

What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
"Hey, guys, why don't we try one of my songs?"

Orson Welles' critique of Donny Osmond: "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

"Dogs come when they are called; cats take a message and get back to you." --- Mary Bly

What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
The chain saw has greater dynamic range.

What's the least-used sentence in the English language?
"Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"

There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo,
unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.

Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall:
"Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string."

How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
Put a chart in front of him.

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None--they just steal somebody else's light.

What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

What's the best thing to play on a guitar?
Solitaire.

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand.

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice.

In the 22th century, how many guitar players will you need to replace a light source?
Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.

Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?

What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

What's an accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.

Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:

Violinist .............................................................: 25 feet
Bad Violinist .....................................................: 50 feet
Tone Deaf Guitar Player knowing 3 chords ....: 75 feet
Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation ..: 100 feet
Accordionist ......................................................: 60 miles

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.

How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.

What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."

What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.

How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
"One, two, three, one, two, three..."

How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
"Hey man, I just do sound."

How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
Start with two millions.

How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.

How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
"Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

What is the ideal weight for a conductor?
About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.

Why is a conductor like a condom?
It's safer with one, but more fun without.

What's the definition of an assistant conductor?
A mouse trying to become a rat.

What do do with a guitar player that can't play?
Give him sticks, put him in the back, and call him a drummer.

What do you do if he can't do that?
Take away the sticks, put him up front, and call him a singer.

Why are drummer jokes so short?
So drummers can understand them.

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.

How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.

Why are harps like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments?
He puts his Leslie on "slow".

How do you get an guitar player to play A flat?
Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.

What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Gifted.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
The neighbours are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.

How do guitar players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. I'm faster than you."

What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.

What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-At-A-Glance."

What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?
On or off.

Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.

Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
"Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"

What is the difference between a guitar player and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers.

What's the difference between a drummer and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

How is a drummer different from a sewer rat?
Some people actually like sewer rats.

What's the first thing a drummer does in the morning?
Puts on his clothes and goes home.

How do you tell if a drummer is dead?
The beer bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.

How do you put a sparkle in a drummer's eye?
Shine a flashlight in his ear.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. - Frank Zappa